After the wall

I’ve been spending some time recently thinking about my health and, like a Loki variant in the void, my glorious purpose. I did this in the best place any lacrosse player can do it: on the wall. I took my lunch break from work and hit the wall for a half an hour. No music, no one else with me, just that rhythmic thud of rubber hitting concrete like a metronome. Nothing can calm the mind quite so well. With my wall created clarity, I realized that a quick tweet thread with some vagaries about walking away from lacrosse media for a while probably don’t serve anyone except myself. So maybe a bit more about what’s going on is in order.

Truthfully, I honestly had no idea how many people really cared what I had to say. But I got messages from PLL All Stars, coaches at every level, fans, writers, people I admire, people who have loved lacrosse forever and people who told me I was their first lacrosse follow on twitter. It was emotional for me to see that. People reached out not to say they’ll miss me, or please don’t stop. Some messaged me to say “you CAN’T stop”, and that’s was something else.

I have often called myself just a guy with a day job who loves lacrosse. My twitter profile points out that this isn’t actually my job. It’s really not. My lacrosse related income for the last few years amounts to just about nothing. Anyone who’s been in lacrosse in just about any capacity at any level — whether it’s coaching, playing, or media — probably isn’t in it for the money. At least those who are sincerely just about trying to #GrowTheGame. We can have the predatory club director and tournament runner discussion another time. Point is, nobody really does this for the money. There aren’t too many people who out there making money covering lacrosse. It’s not unique to me, nor is the fact that I do this because I genuinely love this game. There are plenty of us out there trying to bring something to the sport we wish it always had, and we’re doing it for nothing other than passion and love.

So, over the last few years when I really stepped up how much time and effort I put into trying to cover pro lacrosse, I found a new joy in the game. College features and game coverage had been wonderful, but I found that the amount of pro outdoor coverage out there had room for some more voices. And I wanted to be one. This happened right around the launch of the PLL so it was a bit of a perfect storm.

Through the first couple years I managed to find myself in the middle of a handful of stories and was able to break a piece of news or two. Still not sure how that happened. And honestly, the “clout” was never why I did it; it was because fans, players, and coaches were telling me how much they liked the type of content I put out. I got more than a few wrong in that time too (check my twitter banner for one, my latest Matt Rambo tweet for another), but I don’t think anyone is right 100% of the time, especially in lacrosse media.

What’s most important to me has been remaining as independent as possible. I don’t think you can say that you objectively cover, as an example, an Epoch athlete if you work for Epoch. So I never wanted to do that. I think providing coverage that’s professional and at the level of big four sports leagues means being able to say something is good, something is bad, and something is ugly. Sometimes that’s players, sometimes that’s the league, sometimes it’s a coach. Could be anything. You get the idea. There isn’t enough lacrosse coverage out there in that category, which is why it’s so important. It’s not going to get you a ton of social media impressions. I never expected this to make me a ton of friends around pro lacrosse, but again, if you’re here because you just want to be on the phone with your favorite player, feel really cool with a media badge at a game, or get an RT or something, you’re not offering legitimate media coverage. What I did expect was to be at least respected for the effort. And when it comes to the players and coaches, people I really care about, I think for the most part, I am.

Do I want the league to be more transparent? Absolutely. The injury report was and remains a joke full of ambiguities that serve zero purpose other than being able to say “we know something you don’t.” Designations like “medical”, no media sessions to ask after injuries, no updates to speak of, it doesn’t exactly resemble what happens in major pro sports. It’s also been incomplete at times, and it is reason number one I would NEVER place a bet on a PLL game.

Now, does it suck to say that something the league did was bad or didn’t make sense and get a call afterwards? Yeah, it does, regardless of which league was doing it. On a long enough timeline, behaviors like that are enough to make someone wonder if what they’re doing is worth the time they spend away from family or after hours. The other night I was sitting in urgent care for the second time in a week, hoping to finally get some answers, last patient of the night, and I’m hearing some secondhand story about this person or that person who didn’t like some thing I said or tweeted. Being made to feel sad like that when you already are sick as can be is enough to throw your hands up and say that’s it, it’s not worth it anymore. The camel’s back is breaking. Why am I putting myself through this to try and bring my voice to something when there are people in the sport who would prefer I never said a word?

But after some time thinking about it, I realize that the people who would prefer I never said anything aren’t the ones I do this for anyway. The voices on the other end of that phone call, and whoever is asking them to make a call like the one they’re making — that’s not who decides who says what and what matters in lacrosse. So why should I care?

We say all the time that lacrosse is for everyone. Race, geography, income level, ability or disability, it doesn’t matter, we love to say that lacrosse is for you. Making someone feel unwelcome isn’t in the spirit of the sport itself, let alone what a league professes to be about. More than that, succumbing to that kind of pressure really isn’t in the spirit of the sport itself. I love this sport, and I want to be here. That should be all that really matters. Lacrosse is for everyone has another category: people with or without access. People consider me to be an insider, but I don’t know if that’s true. This isn’t the NBA or NFL, where agents, managers, and random front office assistants leak info all the time. It’s a lot harder to try and find things out that are newsworthy when there’s really only a couple people who know what’s happening, and sometimes they’re legally prevented from sharing anything with anyone. But that’s not all that strange. Separating the plausible from the insane is part of the fun from this. Getting tips from week old burner accounts like “laxbro478218998198” saying Paul Rabil is juicing or that the Chaos hid a COVID outbreak is insane, and sometimes funny. And no, neither of those things are even remotely true.

I want to keep having fun with everyone. Lax Twitter/Lax Media is a ridiculous place. I’m happy to be a small part of it.

When other people around lacrosse that I really respect for their hard work and effort tell me they’re hurting because they burnt out, need to get off social media, or are tired of getting hateful messages, I reach out and send them this clip of Dave Chappelle at the DC Improv.

There’s a few pieces in here that hit a little differently for me now.

I still need to come up for air a bit from this, just to hit the reset button. I have some health issues that need to get worked out. It’ll be a while before I choose recording a podcast episode or writing a feature ahead of dinner with my wife or kissing my kids goodnight. But I’ll be back soon. A few more sessions on the wall and I’ll be ready for game action. But whatever happens next, it’s going to be my own. I don’t know what that looks like, but if I really want to stick to this objectivity thing I harp about, that’s probably what has to happen.

To anyone who reached out to me, again, sincerely, it was moving. I truly appreciate the kind words from everyone. I truthfully wasn’t sure if I’d ever give this another shot but you all convinced me.

See you soon.